My Mother, My Hero.

While going through my saved ‘Drafts’ today, I found this blog I had written the night my mom had a massive heart attack a few years ago. Re-reading it, brought that horrible day back to life for me, but every word I wrote stands true to this day.. I never shared it before, so here goes nothing!

“As I sit here in this cold and dreary hospital room, my mind wandering in countless directions, I can’t help but thank God that this uncomfortable chair is my bed tonight. The ceiling light is barely grazing your face and for the first time in the last 12 hours, you look peaceful and satisfied. If I didn’t know it, I wouldn’t think that you just survived a heart attack. 

Today was the scariest day of my life. When I got the message that something was wrong with you, my world stopped. The only thing I could think about was getting to you. I had no idea what to expect when I walked in to the emergency room, but with all the nurses and doctors crowded around your bedside, I feared that something was seriously wrong.

You won’t remember this because of all the medications they gave you, but we prayed together. Just you, me, and the Chaplain. I held your hand, as you held his and we asked God to be with you. When the prayer was over, you looked at me and cried out, “I’m so scared.” I kissed your head and told you I loved you. I promised that everything would be okay. I remember standing there, feeling helpless as I watched them take you away. I could feel my eyes swelling with tears, but I fought to hold them back until you were out of sight. I couldn’t let you see me break down, I needed to be strong for you. I wanted so badly for someone to wake me up from this horrible nightmare and eventually you did. It felt like an eternity before it was over, but when the doctor came out and told us that you had suffered a massive heart attack, but that the surgery successful and you were now stable, it was like nothing else in the world mattered.

Your strength is so inspiring. Your courage is relentless. You are the most brave person I know and that is why you are my hero. Growing up people always used to say, “your mother is (or will become) your best friend”. I’d just roll my eyes and laugh. I couldn’t imagine that the person that took my cell phone away or grounded me for weeks would ever become my ‘friend’, but they were right.

I couldn’t imagine my life without you. God only knows where I’d be today if I didn’t have you by my side throughout the years. For as long as I can remember, it’s always been you and I against the world. No matter what obstacles life has thrown our way, you’ve always had my back and I’ve had yours. We may fight like cats and dogs at times and occasionally party like sisters, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Thank you for being the fighter you are and inspiring me in more ways than one. From beating cancer to surviving a massive heart attack, this was just another bump in the road for you. Once again, you have shown your resilience. You are my rock and I am forever thankful that you are a warrior. I love you most, Mom.”

life, Uncategorized

Throw In The Towel Kind of Day.

Here’s to you, mama:

It’s one of those days.. When it’s 7:30 am and the day has already gone awry and you really just want to bury your face in a pillow and ‘scream it out’. It’s that day when nothing sounds better than curling up on the couch with your favorite snack, binge watching the latest hit Netflix series, but there’s just too much to do. When it’s not even noon and you’re already wishing that it was tomorrow; when you doubt your capabilities to survive the day because your kid(s) is fussing and you’re totally behind and you’re really just out of breath.

You are not alone.

I know all about the messes, the laundry that’s been left in the dryer since yesterday, the animal cracker crumbs that have found their home on your freshly swept kitchen floor. I’ve been there- when it’s leftover pizza for breakfast and toys trailing from one room to the next, when the grass needs cut and the dishes are starting to pile up in the sink. I get it, you just want to shower (in peace) and be on time for once. We all have those days, when our patience has run thin and there’s not enough caffeine in the city to give you the energy you need.

You do the same things, day in and day out and yet, you still feel behind, like you’re racing to try to catch up to this undefined bar of normal. Remember life before kids? When there was only you (and maybe your hubby and the dog) to take care of. You could clean once every other day and the house would stay that way? You get on Facebook and see the neighborhood Martha Stewart is at it again with her ‘picture perfect’ family having craft time- there’s no glitter on the floor or glue in her daughter’s hair.. If only. It’s hard not to compare; not to question why your baby won’t pose like that for pictures or how her house always stays so organized. Don’t we all want that? Well, I’m here to tell you, before my son, that’s how I envisioned motherhood would be for myself. What a joke, right? Because that is so not my reality. Somedays, although they are far and few between, occasionally, it works out that way- I feel like I’ve got it all figured out and I’m on top of the world. But don’t be fooled by social media, because most of the time, it is hectic and it is hard.

When you’ve lost all hope and you feel like throwing in the towel, just breathe mama. They won’t be little for long. There will come a day when the toys covering the floor will be thrown in a box, covered in dust. Before you know it, the countertops will stay clean and the laundry will lessen. The halls will be quiet and you’ll be back on a regular sleep schedule. On those really hard days, remember that in the midst of it all, sometimes it’s okay to not be okay.

Remind yourself of all that you do accomplish each and every day.

A lot of times, what we get finished is clouded by the chaos. We tend to focus more on the unchecked boxes of our to-do lists, instead of patting ourselves on the back for the good deeds done. As mother’s- and wives, we feel responsible, so it’s easy to get caught up in the fears of failing, but don’t let it consume you. Allow yourself that five minute mental break or your favorite glass of wine, then put your ‘big girl’ pants on, pull yourself together and do it all over again.

Don’t dwell on those ‘throw in the towel’ kind of days, there might just come a time when you miss them (a little). Motherhood is a challenge, but it is so rewarding and we are all in this thing together.