life, Uncategorized

Throw In The Towel Kind of Day.

Here’s to you, mama:

It’s one of those days.. When it’s 7:30 am and the day has already gone awry and you really just want to bury your face in a pillow and ‘scream it out’. It’s that day when nothing sounds better than curling up on the couch with your favorite snack, binge watching the latest hit Netflix series, but there’s just too much to do. When it’s not even noon and you’re already wishing that it was tomorrow; when you doubt your capabilities to survive the day because your kid(s) is fussing and you’re totally behind and you’re really just out of breath.

You are not alone.

I know all about the messes, the laundry that’s been left in the dryer since yesterday, the animal cracker crumbs that have found their home on your freshly swept kitchen floor. I’ve been there- when it’s leftover pizza for breakfast and toys trailing from one room to the next, when the grass needs cut and the dishes are starting to pile up in the sink. I get it, you just want to shower (in peace) and be on time for once. We all have those days, when our patience has run thin and there’s not enough caffeine in the city to give you the energy you need.

You do the same things, day in and day out and yet, you still feel behind, like you’re racing to try to catch up to this undefined bar of normal. Remember life before kids? When there was only you (and maybe your hubby and the dog) to take care of. You could clean once every other day and the house would stay that way? You get on Facebook and see the neighborhood Martha Stewart is at it again with her ‘picture perfect’ family having craft time- there’s no glitter on the floor or glue in her daughter’s hair.. If only. It’s hard not to compare; not to question why your baby won’t pose like that for pictures or how her house always stays so organized. Don’t we all want that? Well, I’m here to tell you, before my son, that’s how I envisioned motherhood would be for myself. What a joke, right? Because that is so not my reality. Somedays, although they are far and few between, occasionally, it works out that way- I feel like I’ve got it all figured out and I’m on top of the world. But don’t be fooled by social media, because most of the time, it is hectic and it is hard.

When you’ve lost all hope and you feel like throwing in the towel, just breathe mama. They won’t be little for long. There will come a day when the toys covering the floor will be thrown in a box, covered in dust. Before you know it, the countertops will stay clean and the laundry will lessen. The halls will be quiet and you’ll be back on a regular sleep schedule. On those really hard days, remember that in the midst of it all, sometimes it’s okay to not be okay.

Remind yourself of all that you do accomplish each and every day.

A lot of times, what we get finished is clouded by the chaos. We tend to focus more on the unchecked boxes of our to-do lists, instead of patting ourselves on the back for the good deeds done. As mother’s- and wives, we feel responsible, so it’s easy to get caught up in the fears of failing, but don’t let it consume you. Allow yourself that five minute mental break or your favorite glass of wine, then put your ‘big girl’ pants on, pull yourself together and do it all over again.

Don’t dwell on those ‘throw in the towel’ kind of days, there might just come a time when you miss them (a little). Motherhood is a challenge, but it is so rewarding and we are all in this thing together.

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This Is Not Where My Story Ends: Giving Up Is Not An Option.

Life has a crazy way of kicking us when we’re down, doesn’t it? We’ve all heard the saying, “When it rains, it pours..” and I’m sure most of us have probably even used it a few times ourselves. Sometimes life can be so overwhelming, so exhausting, but that’s just all part of the journey. Nobody ever said that it was going to be easy. 

When I was young, just a pre-teen, babysitting my brothers and neighborhood kids, I dreamed of the days that I would grow up and become a mother, taking care of my own children. As I rocked my youngest brother to sleep, I’d fantasize about what my house would look like and how my life would be in the years to come. I imagined myself and my husband like most other girls my age did, everything fell perfectly into place and I got my happily ever after ending. I always joked that I wanted three kids and two dogs. I had it all planned out. It was picture perfect and over the years, I kept faith that my hopes would someday become my reality.

I’d like to think that I’m blessed with my relationship, I found a man that exceeded all my expectations and we make a great team. It’s a safe bet to say that we appear to be just like any other couple our age, from the outside looking in. Strangers would probably never guess what we’ve been through in the six, almost seven, years that we’ve been together. Overall, we’ve created a great life for ourselves, but my dream of my picture perfect family hasn’t quite come together just yet though. It’s not because we haven’t been close, because damn it, we’ve been so close more times than I’d like to admit, but unfortunately, we have yet to successfully welcome a child into this world that we can hold in our arms forever. In fact, this part of the plan has been nothing short of complicated, but this is not where our story ends.

I’ve had countless people ask me if we were going to be trying again and then proceed to ask me how I could ever “want to put myself through that again”. I’ve been repeatedly asked how I’m not “afraid” of possibly losing another baby and I’ve even had people say, “there’s always adoption!” as they continue to to tell me how crazy and selfish I would be, if I were to get pregnant again. I’ve literally heard it all. 

Let me start by saying, thanks for your input and excuse my language, but fuck off. If you’ve never gotten a positive pregnancy test, only to be told that there is no heartbeat; if you’ve never had baby showers or gender reveals only to be left with unopened and unused presents; if you’ve never felt a baby kick from the inside, only to hold it’s still and silent body in your arms just a couple weeks later; if you’ve never been through the loss of a child, then you have no idea what I need to do or how I should proceed with the decisions I make in my life and you will never understand the internal battle that I have with myself every single day.

Every time I’ve gotten a positive pregnancy test, my longing to have a living child has grown that much more. My motherly instincts kick in and I instantly become overwhelmed with emotions. I fight to not get my hopes up, but it’s close to impossible not to. I cry in fear of what may happen and I pray to God for guidance and a healthy baby. Every single time, it’s an emotional rollercoaster. 

To answer your question, hell yes I am terrified of losing another baby. I spend more time than not worrying about all the things that could go wrong, but to me, every single aspect of it, is more than worth it, if it means I’ll get my rainbow baby someday. I don’t regret a single pregnancy, because I felt a happiness and an unconditional love for each baby, that I never even knew existed. I don’t have anything ‘wrong’ with me nor have I been diagnosed with something that would prevent me from ever having a healthy child, so I will continue to take the chance and try for my forever baby. If that makes me crazy and selfish, then so be it.

Pregnancy is not always easy and I don’t just mean the awful morning sickness or the backaches that come along with it. You see, getting pregnant isn’t just an ‘oops!’ for everyone. It takes some couples thousands of dollars in treatments and medications before they are finally blessed with a child. For others, staying pregnant is one of the biggest challenges that they may ever face and sometimes, there just isn’t an explanation as to why. So before you question or judge someone else, try to put yourself in their place, it may not make sense to you, but it doesn’t have to. Giving up is just not an option, staying strong is the only choice I’ve got. 

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The Life of A ‘Loss Mother’..

​1 in 4. It’s that common. Did you know that more than 500,000 pregnancies each year end in miscarriage? Over 23,600 babies are born sleeping a year in just the United States alone. So many parents are affected by the loss of a child and some families have even suffered from multiple losses. These statistics may seem minuscule in the big scheme of things, because every time you scroll through Facebook or refresh your Instagram feed, it seems like yet another person has announced that they’re expecting, but roughly 19% of the adult population has experienced the loss of a child. Regardless of what stage of pregnancy the loss occurred or how much time the parents were given with their child before they had to say goodbye, there are no words to fully describe the pain that is felt throughout life after that loss. There is said to be 7 billion people in this world and roughly, 1.33 billion are parents who have to go through life without their child (or children). So tell me, why is it not talked about? Why do so many parents feel so alone and hide their stories amongst themselves, when there are over one billion other people in the world who have been in similar situations and are familiar with the grief that takes over, when a child is taken far too soon? 

I am a loss mother. To my fellow loss parents, I know the heartache and the pain all too well and I am here to tell you that you are not alone. I have held back and kept quiet. I have shut myself out from the world. I have been bitter and I have pushed those that are closest to me away, because I didn’t know what else to do. There is no ‘right’ way to grieve. Death affects us all differently and it’s only natural that we find our own ways to cope with it. However, from my personal experience, I learned that not talking about it did not help. Not sharing my story, my life, didn’t change the fact that my heart is forever hurting. I was suffering alone, but that didn’t make my situation any less real. Regardless of if I held it all in and cried myself to sleep for months without ever telling a single soul or if I post novels on Facebook sharing my every emotion, I am still a loss mother and nothing is going to change that.

No two stories are the same; we may have faced different challenges, but we have one thing in common, the longing for our child(children) to be in our arms. The struggles we face as loss parents, never go away. For days, months, and years to follow, we are haunted by the fact that this is our harsh reality. If you are a loss parent or you know or love someone that is, try to remember the following things, when you see that they are having a rough day: (Trust me, they happen and sometimes the grief will hit like a ton of bricks.)

You don’t have to know what to say.

We don’t expect you to, because honestly, there is nothing that anyone can say to ease the pain. Sometimes we just need to know that someone is there to listen and to hold us while we cry.

Don’t be afraid to ask.

Chances are we are waiting for the opportunity to talk about our children. Talking about them keeps their spirit and memory alive and that’s all we have left, so ask us about them. I bet you’ll see the light in our eyes when we start describing the most intimate moments and reminiscing about the sweet little angels they are.

It takes time.

Everyone is different and we all grieve differently. Time does not heal all wounds, because some were just not meant to be healed. The hole in a loss parent’s heart is forever.  I know the emotional rollercoaster ride may seem never ending at times, but we will get there, when we get there and that’s okay.

Blame. It’s going to happen.

As a loss parent, it is impossible not to feel at fault. “What did I do wrong?” “What could I have done differently?” “How could I let this happen?” “I was supposed to protect my child and I failed.” It’s hard, so, so hard, but it is no one’s fault. We don’t always understand the plan that’s in place for us, but we’re not supposed to. Sometimes there is just no justification for when, where, how or why things happen.

Patience is a virtue.

There will be days when it takes everything we have just to get out of bed and change into semi-presentable clothes. There will also be those days where there are more tears than there are words spoken. There will be sleepless nights and a loss of appetite, but be patient. Figuring out how to put the pieces back together isn’t an easy task, but having support to stick it out through the dark days, makes it seem less impossible.

Tomorrow is another day.

Some days smiling comes easy. Our hearts are full of hope and faith. The memories we have bring joy and we are overcome with happiness because of the unconditional love the we felt from our little ones. Signs of our angels will appear in the craziest ways, letting each of us know when our babies are near. Those are the good days. They may be few and far between, but when they happen, it’s a reminder that we are going to be okay, that we are going to make it.

The journey of life after loss is just that, a journey. Every day is a challenge, but it is another day closer to being with our children again. Pregnancy, infant, and child loss are so common all over the world and the more we open up about it, the more we can come together. Losing a child doesn’t make someone any less of a parent; they just become an extra special kind, because their child is an angel. Share your story or be a listening ear. Let’s break the silence.

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To The Girl Who Lost Herself In The Midst of The Chaos.

Listen, I get it. I totally do. We’ve all been there before. You didn’t ask to fall for him, it just kind of happened. But when the honeymoon stage has faded and the ‘fairytale’ has ended and you finally see his true worth, no excuse that you give me is enough for me to think that you should stay in this toxic relationship and here’s why..

“I don’t want to be alone.”
Since when did being ‘single’ become being alone? You’re only alone if you sit in the house and mope around thinking about and missing him. You have friends and family that love you and chances are they miss you, a lot, especially since most of your time has been spent with him recently anyway. Go out and have fun. Be the twenty-something year old you are and enjoy it while you can.

“I’m comfortable.”
Change is not always a bad thing. If you think about it, change is all around us and year after year things change, it’s a part of life. Just because you’re used to not being happy, doesn’t mean that it’s right. Plus, getting rid of him will be a good kind of change. You’ll no longer have to worry about pleasing anyone but yourself and we all deserve to be a little selfish sometimes.

“I’ve already put in too much time and effort.”
EXACTLY. This is a prime example of why you need to run away while you can. When it’s true love and it’s real, it won’t take months (or years) to make it work. It will just happen. Why spend even more of your time putting forth effort with a boy that isn’t doing the same for you? A relationship should always be 100/100. If you’re not getting what you give, it’s time to move on.

“He will change.”
Oh really? I mean, I guess I could totally believe this if I hadn’t already heard it a million times before. You cannot force him to change. A person will only change when they are ready and they see it fit. If he doesn’t want to change- and obviously he doesn’t given the last 20 chances you’ve given him- you can kiss that thought goodbye, because it’s not going to happen.

“I love him.”
Ever heard the saying, if you love someone let them go? It’s pretty accurate if you ask me. Loving someone, loving the idea of someone, is not the same as being in love with someone. When you are in love, you are fully committed to that person. You will find the good in their flaws and you will love them even on their bad days. Does he do this for you? I doubt it, because if he did, people would be able to see it from the outside and you wouldn’t feel the need to justify why you’re dating him.

“I don’t want to hurt him.”
If you’re still with him after all that you’ve been through, that just shows how big of a heart you have. Not many girls would stick around the way you have and that’s because you care about others so much, but he is not your problem. It is not your job to ‘help’ him. You are not his mother. He didn’t care to hurt you, did he? If you’re not happy, then staying isn’t fair. Sure there are times that you’ve been happy over the course of your relationship, but you deserve to be happy every single day.

I know it’s hard to believe, but at the end of all of this, you will be okay and you will be stronger than you’ve ever been before, but you need to let go. You’re never going find the man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated if you continue holding on to the boy who doesn’t appreciate you. It will be difficult at first but it will get easier. I promise. One day, you will wake up and look in the mirror and you will be proud of the courage you’ve gained by simply walking away. You will learn to love yourself again.

So let goMove on. Find the girl you lost in the midst of all this chaos. She’s still there and she will be even better than ever before if you let her.

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There’s A Person Out There Somewhere Looking For Someone Just Like You.

     I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Some may find their soulmate at 15 years old, while others are lucky at 40, but regardless of when we find them, I believe that there’s a person out there somewhere looking for someone just like you. We date, or at least most of us do, with the hopes of finding the relationship that has the spark that will never burn out. With each relationship, we open our hearts and pray that ‘this one will be it’, that all the tears and the lonely nights have come to an end, but even when we’ve found the one, how do we know for sure? Do we ever really know or do we just take the chance with the person that seems to fit best in our lives, because we’ve been so desperate to find love for so long? There is a difference between loving and being in love and trust me, when you’ve found your person, you will easily be able to discover it. Here are just a few subtle signs that you’re on your way to forever with ‘the one’..

1. You argue.                                                         Yes, that’s right. You disagree and you argue. I know you’re probably thinking I’m crazy for believing that arguing is actually a good thing, but I promise, arguments are key in a strong relationship. They always say that you can’t appreciate the good times, without experiencing the bad too. So don’t start planning the break up as soon as things get tough, we are adults. We should all know by now that nothing in life comes easy (especially not relationships with the opposite sex).

2. You make up.                                                        If you understand that you are both human and make mistakes (don’t get me wrong, there are certain mistakes that this rule doesn’t apply to) and can forgive each other; if you never go to bed angry with one another, and you both learn to compromise because suddenly, it’s not just your own happiness that matters anymore; what you’ve got is something worth holding on to. Making up is the best part about arguing, it’s an opportunity to remember just how much the other person means to you and value the fact that you’re both willing to accept each other’s craziness.

3. You are happy.                                                    Completely and utterly, 100% happy. When being in their presence gives you butterflies and looking into their eyes makes you smile; when doing nothing at all becomes more fun than going out every weekend; when the only time they make you cry is from laughing too hard and you really only get mad when they don’t share their food with you.. Know that what you have together is rare and it’s special. Cherish it.

4. You have no questions, no doubts, no worries.                                                                        You don’t wonder about where they are or what they’re doing, while other people are stalking their significant others’ social media pages to make sure they’re not up to no good. You don’t question when they will be home, because you trust them without a doubt. The two of you are capable of being away from each other, but at the end of the day, you’d much rather be together. When there are no questions because there are no secrets, it’s real. Trust is pertinent in a lasting relationship.

5. You just know.                                                     When they are the first person on your mind when you wake up and the last person you think about before you fall asleep; when it doesn’t matter what happens in life, they are the one you always want by your side and the first person you tell all of your secrets to; when they are your best friend, your partner, your confidant, don’t let go. 

The truth is, there’s always going to be obvious hints that can either make or break a relationship, but when you’ve finally got the right one, it’ll be hard to find all of the words to describe it, there will be no uncertainty. No argument could ever break the bond between the two of you and none of life’s obstacles will bring you down for too long, because your partner on this journey through life will be there helping you back up, every single step of the way. When you’ve got ‘the one’, you will feel it in your gut and know with every inch of your being, that they are your soulmate and your happily ever after. 

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15 Signs of True Friendship..

In our generation it's unbelievably hard to know who's with you for the long haul and who's only with you until someone else comes along. So many people you thought would be in your wedding someday haven't talked to you in months and others you'd thought would be your child's God parents disappeared without any reason. It's hard to accept it sometimes, but don't lose hope. Occasionally, out of nowhere and totally unexpected, you'll meet someone knew and before you know it, it's like you were destined to be best friends for life. Before you get too comfortable, here's some tips to prove that your friendship is as real as Monica and Rachel's from 'Friends':

1. There are no secrets.                                                         I mean none. Even when you try to lie or hide something, she knows you so well that she can tell by your facial expressions that you've got something to tell her.  

      

2. The only time she makes you cry, is by laughing.                                                                                 You don't question why you like her so much, she's the only one who appreciates your laugh and laughs right along with you. The only time a true friend should make you cry is when your cheeks hurt because you two are insanely crazy together. 

3. You can have fun doing nothing.                             Not a single word needs to be said for you to have a perfectly great night together. A large pizza, bottle of wine, and Netflix is one of your favorite hobbies together. 

4. She’s in all of your favorite memories.       Since she's came into your life, it's like the two of you became sidekicks. It's rare to see one without the other and not just for the two of you, but everyone else notices as well. You have more inside jokes that others would never understand and memories that will last a lifetime. 

5. You understand each other.                                                With just one look, you can tell what each other is thinking. You can vent for hours and talk about life for days, she always sees your side of things and you understand hers.

6. Your family is hers and vice versa.                          You basically share siblings and parents. In fact, your parents eventually become friends as well. It's like you gained a whole new family when you met her.

7. People start to question if your lesbian lovers.                                                                                   You share clothes and a bed most nights. You triple date with her and her boyfriend and she doesn't hesitate to interrupt any alone time you thought you may have had with yours. Sometimes, your boyfriends feel more like the outcast. You just laugh when people make comments because it's not the first time you've heard it.

8. You cry together, the ugly cry.                                      She's there through the good times, but even more so during the bad. She will hold you and cry right along with you. She never hesitates to lend her shoulder. It's like your pain is hers and you would never let her cry alone.

9. You’re honest and always tell the truth.                                                                                             There's no sugar coating anything when it comes to the two of you. If she doesn't like your outfit or if you think her hair looks like she's from 1978, you tell each other like it is. You will tell one another all of the things that everyone else hesitates to say.

10. There is no judging.                                                            Whether it be from your past, present, or your future. You never point fingers nor judge each other. It goes back to the understanding each other part. You don't care about her mistakes because you know you've made them too and you accept that everything that's happened has lead to both to where you are today. 

11. You help each other, push each other,  and support each other.                                                       No matter what goals, dreams, or ambitions you have, she's always the first one there cheering you on. She's your #1 fan and believes in you more than you believe in yourself. You inspire her and keep her pushing forward when she just wants to let go. You two are a team and have each other's back.

12. You do most things together, but not everything.                                                                      Like I said earlier, most people find it weird to see you out about without her, but you both make time for other friends as well. You are always down to add another friend to the group, it's just a known fact that the bond the two of you have, could never be broken.

13. She’s always been there and so have you.                                                                                                        No matter what obstacles life throws your way, you know that you can count on her to pick you up when you're down and she can always count on you for your words of wisdom. You don't know how you got this far without her and she can't imagine going on in life without you.

14. You are two of a kind.                                                   They say opposites attract and in some ways this is true for the two of you; however, 9 times out of 10 you guys are the exact same. You always finish each other's sentences and you definitely have the same sense of humor. You are partners in crime and always getting in to some sort of trouble.

15. You are so much more than ‘just friends’, you’re sisters.                                                             They say that blood is thicker than water, but when it comes to your friendship, the two of you see no difference. It doesn't matter how long you've known each other, forever started at 'Hey girl!' and it will never end.

Having a friendship like Monica and Rachel is like finding a four leaf clover in a field. It's hard, but consider yourself lucky once you've found her. It's like having a soulmate in your best friend's body. Nothing will compare to the strength of true friendship, so never let it go.

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I Believe..

I believe in chasing your dreams, going after something, seeing the unseen.

I believe in love until death do us part,

putting in effort, pouring out your heart.

I believe in destiny and in fate,

pushing on before it’s too late.

I believe in equality and being unique,

never being afraid to stand up and speak.

I believe in trust and in honesty,

letting someone in, having serenity.

I believe in just living life,

taking on each obstacle with all of your might.

I believe in giving your all,

taking a chance and not being afraid to fall.

I believe in you and me,

conquering everything, making the perfect team.