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This Is Not Where My Story Ends: Giving Up Is Not An Option.

Life has a crazy way of kicking us when we’re down, doesn’t it? We’ve all heard the saying, “When it rains, it pours..” and I’m sure most of us have probably even used it a few times ourselves. Sometimes life can be so overwhelming, so exhausting, but that’s just all part of the journey. Nobody ever said that it was going to be easy. 

When I was young, just a pre-teen, babysitting my brothers and neighborhood kids, I dreamed of the days that I would grow up and become a mother, taking care of my own children. As I rocked my youngest brother to sleep, I’d fantasize about what my house would look like and how my life would be in the years to come. I imagined myself and my husband like most other girls my age did, everything fell perfectly into place and I got my happily ever after ending. I always joked that I wanted three kids and two dogs. I had it all planned out. It was picture perfect and over the years, I kept faith that my hopes would someday become my reality.

I’d like to think that I’m blessed with my relationship, I found a man that exceeded all my expectations and we make a great team. It’s a safe bet to say that we appear to be just like any other couple our age, from the outside looking in. Strangers would probably never guess what we’ve been through in the six, almost seven, years that we’ve been together. Overall, we’ve created a great life for ourselves, but my dream of my picture perfect family hasn’t quite come together just yet though. It’s not because we haven’t been close, because damn it, we’ve been so close more times than I’d like to admit, but unfortunately, we have yet to successfully welcome a child into this world that we can hold in our arms forever. In fact, this part of the plan has been nothing short of complicated, but this is not where our story ends.

I’ve had countless people ask me if we were going to be trying again and then proceed to ask me how I could ever “want to put myself through that again”. I’ve been repeatedly asked how I’m not “afraid” of possibly losing another baby and I’ve even had people say, “there’s always adoption!” as they continue to to tell me how crazy and selfish I would be, if I were to get pregnant again. I’ve literally heard it all. 

Let me start by saying, thanks for your input and excuse my language, but fuck off. If you’ve never gotten a positive pregnancy test, only to be told that there is no heartbeat; if you’ve never had baby showers or gender reveals only to be left with unopened and unused presents; if you’ve never felt a baby kick from the inside, only to hold it’s still and silent body in your arms just a couple weeks later; if you’ve never been through the loss of a child, then you have no idea what I need to do or how I should proceed with the decisions I make in my life and you will never understand the internal battle that I have with myself every single day.

Every time I’ve gotten a positive pregnancy test, my longing to have a living child has grown that much more. My motherly instincts kick in and I instantly become overwhelmed with emotions. I fight to not get my hopes up, but it’s close to impossible not to. I cry in fear of what may happen and I pray to God for guidance and a healthy baby. Every single time, it’s an emotional rollercoaster. 

To answer your question, hell yes I am terrified of losing another baby. I spend more time than not worrying about all the things that could go wrong, but to me, every single aspect of it, is more than worth it, if it means I’ll get my rainbow baby someday. I don’t regret a single pregnancy, because I felt a happiness and an unconditional love for each baby, that I never even knew existed. I don’t have anything ‘wrong’ with me nor have I been diagnosed with something that would prevent me from ever having a healthy child, so I will continue to take the chance and try for my forever baby. If that makes me crazy and selfish, then so be it.

Pregnancy is not always easy and I don’t just mean the awful morning sickness or the backaches that come along with it. You see, getting pregnant isn’t just an ‘oops!’ for everyone. It takes some couples thousands of dollars in treatments and medications before they are finally blessed with a child. For others, staying pregnant is one of the biggest challenges that they may ever face and sometimes, there just isn’t an explanation as to why. So before you question or judge someone else, try to put yourself in their place, it may not make sense to you, but it doesn’t have to. Giving up is just not an option, staying strong is the only choice I’ve got. 

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There’s A Person Out There Somewhere Looking For Someone Just Like You.

     I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Some may find their soulmate at 15 years old, while others are lucky at 40, but regardless of when we find them, I believe that there’s a person out there somewhere looking for someone just like you. We date, or at least most of us do, with the hopes of finding the relationship that has the spark that will never burn out. With each relationship, we open our hearts and pray that ‘this one will be it’, that all the tears and the lonely nights have come to an end, but even when we’ve found the one, how do we know for sure? Do we ever really know or do we just take the chance with the person that seems to fit best in our lives, because we’ve been so desperate to find love for so long? There is a difference between loving and being in love and trust me, when you’ve found your person, you will easily be able to discover it. Here are just a few subtle signs that you’re on your way to forever with ‘the one’..

1. You argue.                                                         Yes, that’s right. You disagree and you argue. I know you’re probably thinking I’m crazy for believing that arguing is actually a good thing, but I promise, arguments are key in a strong relationship. They always say that you can’t appreciate the good times, without experiencing the bad too. So don’t start planning the break up as soon as things get tough, we are adults. We should all know by now that nothing in life comes easy (especially not relationships with the opposite sex).

2. You make up.                                                        If you understand that you are both human and make mistakes (don’t get me wrong, there are certain mistakes that this rule doesn’t apply to) and can forgive each other; if you never go to bed angry with one another, and you both learn to compromise because suddenly, it’s not just your own happiness that matters anymore; what you’ve got is something worth holding on to. Making up is the best part about arguing, it’s an opportunity to remember just how much the other person means to you and value the fact that you’re both willing to accept each other’s craziness.

3. You are happy.                                                    Completely and utterly, 100% happy. When being in their presence gives you butterflies and looking into their eyes makes you smile; when doing nothing at all becomes more fun than going out every weekend; when the only time they make you cry is from laughing too hard and you really only get mad when they don’t share their food with you.. Know that what you have together is rare and it’s special. Cherish it.

4. You have no questions, no doubts, no worries.                                                                        You don’t wonder about where they are or what they’re doing, while other people are stalking their significant others’ social media pages to make sure they’re not up to no good. You don’t question when they will be home, because you trust them without a doubt. The two of you are capable of being away from each other, but at the end of the day, you’d much rather be together. When there are no questions because there are no secrets, it’s real. Trust is pertinent in a lasting relationship.

5. You just know.                                                     When they are the first person on your mind when you wake up and the last person you think about before you fall asleep; when it doesn’t matter what happens in life, they are the one you always want by your side and the first person you tell all of your secrets to; when they are your best friend, your partner, your confidant, don’t let go. 

The truth is, there’s always going to be obvious hints that can either make or break a relationship, but when you’ve finally got the right one, it’ll be hard to find all of the words to describe it, there will be no uncertainty. No argument could ever break the bond between the two of you and none of life’s obstacles will bring you down for too long, because your partner on this journey through life will be there helping you back up, every single step of the way. When you’ve got ‘the one’, you will feel it in your gut and know with every inch of your being, that they are your soulmate and your happily ever after. 

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A Letter To The Woman That Raised The Man of My Dreams..

Dear _______,
​It’s me, the girl who will hopefully become your daughter-in-law someday. I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am for you. There are so many remarkable things I could say about you since getting to know you over the last couple years, but the one thing that stands out the most, is your son and the way you raised him. We both know he’s a handful so it couldn’t have been easy, but I praise you for a job well done, as he is truly one of a kind. I just wanted to let you know how much you are appreciated and express my gratitude..

Thank you for accepting me.

You have accepted me into your home and welcomed me with open arms from the very first day I met you. You have made me feel comfortable and it’s as if I am just part of the family. Thank you for your hospitality.

Thank you for teaching your son the definition of trust.

In today’s society, lying and cheating are just part of the norm. It’s not unusual to hear about couples failing due to trust issues, but because you’ve shown him how to be open and honest, I have no worries.

Thank you for setting a good example.

Not just for him, but for me as well. You can light up any room with your free spirit and quirky personality. Sometimes, I question if you ever have a ‘bad’ day. I look up to you for the happiness you bring to your household and I hope to bring the same light to my own family someday.

Thank you for showing him how to love.

You loved him first and it’s because of the way that you loved him that he’s now so passionate and loves so strongly. The support and devotion you’ve given him over the years has helped to shape him into the caring and generous man that he is today. You have such a big heart, as does your son. It’s obvious that he got that trait from you.

Thank you for understanding.

You are always there to listen and to provide advice. Regardless of the situation, you never pass judgment or discernment. You are unbelievably compassionate. We can come to you for anything and talk to you about everything, with no questions asked. You are one of our biggest supporters and it’s truly a blessing to have you.

Thank you for everything.

For letting me in and sharing your son. For giving me some of your cooking tips and sharing all of your knowledge. For believing in me and in your son. For encouraging us as a couple. For laughing with us and showing us what happiness is all about.

I could go on for forever as I think so highly of you, but I will spare you and sum it up. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I met your son; I definitely didn’t think that I would gain a second family along the way, but I couldn’t imagine things being any different now. Your approval was so very important to me and I am forever thankful to have the relationship that we do now. You raised the love of my life and there are no amount of words that could ever express how truly grateful I am. Thank you for being you.

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10 Ways A Guy Says ‘I love you’ Without Actually Saying It..

As girls, we tend to overthink everything, I mean everything. If an old friend doesn’t smile at us and say hi as we pass them in the store, we automatically assume that they no longer like us. When in reality, they were probably just in such a rush that they didn’t even notice we were there. If a waiter tells us he’s got a coupon for 25% off of alcoholic beverages for the evening; our minds are already trying to find ways to avoid giving him our number because we just know he totally wants our bodies.. When in reality, every waiter/waitress in the restaurant is giving out the same offer to boost their bar sales. When it comes to the opposite sex, no amount of reassurance will ever be enough to settle our wandering minds. You will always question if he loves you and worry when he doesn’t actually say it enough. But take a breather ladies and relax, here are 10 signs that he loves you without even saying a word…

1. He plays with your hair.                                While you’re laying there, binge watching your favorite show on Netflix, you randomly feel him playing with your hair. You didn’t have to ask, beg, or plead. Yup, that’s right, he willing did it on his own because he knows how much you love it. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t notice the little things that make you happy, such as, kissing your forehead or playing with your hair after a long stressful day.

2. He talks about you to his friends.                 He doesn’t talk about how the two of you got down and dirty until 3 AM the night before, but he talks about your date night and how awesome the movie was. He tells them how funny it was and how it made you laugh so hard, you were crying and everyone turned to look. He boasts about you and brings you along to hang out. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t care to share your totally awesome personality with the guys.

3. He talks about you to his family.                  This is important. His family is the people you really need to impress. So, if he’s not afraid to tell them all about you and talk about the future plans the two of you have made, he’s serious. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t care if the people he cares most about like you or not. If he didn’t love you, they probably wouldn’t even know that you exist.

4. He opens the door.                                                 Call me old fashioned, but I believe that chivalry is not dead. If he really loves you, he will do things like, save you the last bite of your favorite meal or pull out your chair when you go out to dinner, just to show that he respects you.

5. He shares the television.                                             We all know how much a guy loves his tv. Whether it be playing Xbox or watching Sports Center, if he gives it up to let you watch Lifetime or whatever reality tv shows you’re into this month, it shows he loves you. Guys wouldn’t sacrifice that for just anyone.

6. He lets you drive.                                            This one might be a little different than you were expecting. Typically the guy does the driving and the buying, but mixing it up a little bit won’t hurt. To some guys, their car or truck is their pride and joy. I mean some guys love it so much that they spend every paycheck they get trying to fix it up; they would probably date it if they could, but that’s not logical though and he has to settle down with someone.. Ladies, we know how we are with our shoes, purses, and other prized possessions, so if he shares his with you whether it be a car or something else, just know, that if he shares, it not only means that he loves you, but it shows that he trusts you as well.

7. He surprises you.                                                 It doesn’t matter if he randomly has flowers sent to your work or if he shows up at your house one evening unannounced, just because he missed you. If he’s willing to put in effort to surprise you every now and then, he loves you.

8. He holds you.                                               Cuddling is a huge stress reliever for both parties involved. So if he turns to you, to hold you and to cuddle, he’s expressing how comfortable and relaxed you make him feel. If he didn’t love you, he’d find something or someone else to turn to when he’s had a bad day. 

9. He laughs with you.                                                Did you know that laughter is a sign of true happiness? If the two of you have fun together and he laughs with you, rather than at you- even though at you is totally acceptable at times- he loves you. It’s proof that he enjoys being with you and that you are both happy.

10. He spends time with you.                       Spending time with each other is key to any relationship. It’s common sense that in order to grow together and for the relationship to work, you must spend quality time hanging out with each other. It doesn’t have to be 24/7, although some of us girls, may expect it to be; any amount of time together is acceptable, as long as it’s a regular thing. If he makes sure to make as much time for you as he possibly can, he loves you. Believe me, he’d fill his calendar with other people or other things if he didn’t.

The bottom line here is that guys don’t always have a way with words. They don’t analyze situations nearly as much as girls do and 99% of the time, they don’t even notice that they haven’t said, ‘I love you’ throughout the day or when they get off the phone. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love us, they just have different ways of showing it. If your hesitant or doubting his feelings, just remember ladies, actions speak louder than words.

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Your Fairytale Ending..

From the time we were 6 years old, sitting in the living room floor, under the blanket fort we had spent the entire day building, watching Cinderalla for the 19th time that week, we have dreamt of our prince charming. We saw the happy endings in all of the fairytales and created our own visions of how ours would some day be.

From that point on, living meant finding our ‘person’. You know, the one that would come along and sweep us off of our feet at the most unexpected, yet absolutely perfect time. From your partner in Chemistry to the new guy that just flew in from out of state just in time to be your date to the prom or the shy guy behind the counter that sells you a venti, french vanilla frappuccino on your way to work every morning, you question the people you’ve met. Is he the right guy? Did I already meet him and miss my chance? Will I ever find THE ONE? Am I going to be the crazy cat lady (or dog lady, if you’re like me) that’s forever alone?
Don’t worry ladies, we’ve all been there.. It’s scary to see everyone around you settling down, getting married, having kids, the whole sha-bang, while you struggle to decide whether Chipotle or Hot Heads has better burritos. We get so caught up in what we think should be happening and trying to plan a perfect future, that we tend to let the present slip away and that’s where the mistake lies.
You see, the problem is we tend to get so caught up in the idea of “perfect” that we over analyze every person and every situation. The fairytales we watched as children and the love stories we cry over time and time again, tend to leave the not-so-perfect parts out.
It wasn’t until I found my ‘person’ that I realized just what it took to get him. Life is crazy, that’s no surprise to anyone. As soon as everything starts going right, it has a way of making sure we don’t get too comfortable. Relationships are the same way. Everyone makes mistakes, as matter of fact, most of us on a daily basis, so why should we expect a relationship, containing two non-perfect people, to be perfect when we ourselves, are not? It will probably take several heart breaks, a few bottles of your favorite wine, lots of ice cream, some chick flicks, and plenty of sleep overs with your girlfriends, before you find the one you’ve always wanted, but let me just tell you, when you do, there will not be a doubt in your mind.
The thought of “perfect” slowly transitions into that person once you meet him, but wait, that’s a little contradicting right? Since I had previously stated that no one’s perfect.. But that’s the whole idea! When you find your prince charming, you’ll realize that he’s actually not perfect at all. He might pay more attention to his video game than you while he beats that last level or leave the toilet seat up no matter how many times you ask him not to. He’ll probably lose track of time and be late to dinner more than once or make plans with you forgetting he has a baseball tournament that same weekend.. Chances are he’ll drive you crazy and make you want to pull your hair out at least once a day, but guess what? In your eyes, those flaws will be well worth it, they will be your vision of ‘perfect’. When his chest becomes your favorite pillow and being in his arms is your safe haven, when he’s the last thing you think about each night and the first person on your mind each morning. When you miss him before he even pulls out of the driveway, that’s when it will all make sense.
Your relationship will not always be easy, it won’t be rainbows and butterflies forever. The puppy love stage will only last for so long and before you know it, you’ll have your first big fight, then another, and another after that, but the key to eternity with your ‘person’ is to hold on and hold on tight. There will be obstacles you face as a couple, some worse than others, but when you face them as a team, you’ll soon realize the amazing things you can accomplish together, you just can’t give up. At the end of the day, the hardships you’re faced with will bring you that much closer, the bond you form will be truly unbreakable. When you find THE ONE , don’t let go, your fairytale may not be perfect like the movies, but it will be perfect for YOU.

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To My Future Husband..

To My Future Husband,

    You deserve an award. I will never understand how you’ve managed to put up with me for so long and to think, you’re okay with doing it for the rest of your life.. You’re truly heaven sent.

   I’m not the worst woman in the world; however, I will be the first to argue with you over which football game were watching on Sunday’s and I might get a little attitude if you shame my cooking skills, but I promise to be honest and loyal for the rest of our days. You will never have to question who has my heart or where my mind wanders.

  I apologize in advance for anything I may break around the house and then try to fix on my own. I’m a little clumsy, but I will try my hardest to never let you see that. Trust me, it’s embarrassing. To make up for it though, I’ll get down and dirty, so you won’t have to worry about cleaning. I just can’t promise that our house will be spotless every day. If it’s up to me, we’ll have plenty of kids and dogs running around to make sure that doesn’t happen lol.

  I’m sorry if my clothes take up most of the closet (your t-shirts included, we both know those are now mine too) and if there’s no room for your shoes. It’s hard being a girl when there are Targets allover. You should also be warned because I may steal the covers, but I promise to always keep an extra blanket nearby for those cold winter nights. Believe me, we’ll need them- I need a fan on no matter what the weather is like.

  It’s a rule, I get to shower first. I have my hair and make up to do, while you can just rinse and go. I am not always prissy and I won’t always look like I did on our first date- I spent three hours trying to perfect my looks that night- but I will always be myself. My laugh is ridiculously loud and obnoxious and I don’t find tickling funny. In fact, unless you want to start an all out war, I’d be careful if I were you.

  That’s another thing. I’m down to play fight and wrestle with you for hours, but don’t get mad when I beat you. I’ve got three brothers, I’ve been ‘fighting’ for the last 10 years. I won’t get mad if you play the game, as long as you don’t mind if I join in every now and then.. I’ll be sure to give you a challenge, but I can’t guarantee I’ll be good at it, I just think it’s fun.

  Lifetime movies are great and I can’t miss my weekly tv series. We’ll just have to compromise. But isn’t that what this is all about? I do things that drive you crazy and you piss me off more times than I count. We laugh until we cry and hold on tight when the ride gets a little bumpy. This relationship won’t be full of wine nights followed up with pizza (although, wouldn’t that be nice?!), but if we’ve made it this far, I have no doubt that we can overcome whatever life throws our way.

  I have prayed for you since I was a little girl and I’ve spent countless nights on Pinterest planning our lives together. Believe me when I say that you are so much more than I could’ve ever imagined and more than I will ever accept that I deserve. Your reassurance and support will get me through the tough days and your smile will make the good days better. Don’t ever change, you are my soulmate and my best friend. My happily ever after and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my days with you.

– Your Future Wife.